I’ve been forced to ask for help recently. Well, forced might be a strong word to use. But from an emotional standpoint, I feel forced. See, I’m not a person who has lived my life to this point asking for help. I mean, yes, there have been times when I ask for minor assistance from individuals I trust, but when it comes to providing for my basic needs and desires, I’ve made it on my own for a very long time. Until now, when certain choices and life events have put me in a position where I can no longer rely on the resources I once used to sustain myself. And so, I feel forced to ask for help.

I’ve always resisted asking for help because I felt it left me open to manipulation, a giving away of my power. To me, being vulnerable has always been viewed as a weakness, and so I built a strong army of defense around myself including pride, individualism, control, logical thinking, perfectionism, and self-judgment. Everything fit into a concise package, tightly packed and categorized just right. Yet the balance and freedom I craved was never really there. And my joy? I completely forgot where I placed it.

Then one day, I asked myself a question which changed everything… “What else is possible?” …and very quickly, in reply, my life changed dramatically.

Some people might look at my life now and think it has completely gone to hell. But the only person who is actually living it is me and that’s the only perception I care about. Even though the outside circumstances may look really scary and grim right now, inside I feel free. Balanced. And yes, even joyous. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. There is a wonderfulness in it all that I never really expected. I am learning about letting go of the perceived control I thought I had over my life and circumstances. I continue to understand that I always have a choice, but my choices do not guarantee outcomes. I’m not talking about putting responsibility on another, because when we do that we give up our power and ability to choose. I’m talking about giving up the false assumption that I have any control over the outcomes of my choices, which leaves space for the beauty and magic of the Universe to blossom before me. The need to be perfect also melts away because I’ve come to realize I was making myself miserable by trying to always be perfect, trying to meet the expectations of others. It was an impossible game to win, and so I forfeited the game and walked away. I’ve also had to face the fact that I’ve been operating with a large amount of pride, a mask that was worn for protection to scare me into staying on the straight and narrow. I see now that pride is another form of judgment, and who am I to judge? Letting go of self-judgment has been the biggest challenge for me. It is so much easier to let other people be ‘right’ and beat myself up for being ‘wrong’. Again, another question came… “How’s that working for you?” …it doesn’t at all.

What I’m enjoying the most right now is observing all the definitions, assumptions, limiting beliefs, judgments, and expectations just completely fall away from my concept of my identity. Not much is left, and so I am re-building. As an observer, I can chose to not get wrapped up in the drama of it all, the clinging, the worry, the fear. Instead I chose to just observe, to witness, and to appreciate. Appreciation is different from being grateful. Gratitude has a sense of lack to it, a clinging, an attachment, a need for more. Where appreciation is detached from outcome, it accepts things as they are when they show up, and doesn’t expect anything more. Being in appreciation opens the possibility for more  beauty to show up in unexpected ways, observing in appreciation of simply ‘what is’ leaves room for allowing and magic and miracles.

Why do we keep secrets? Why do we create secret activities and participate in them? How much do you know about why you have and keep secrets? And what affect does keeping secrets have on your life?

These are just a few questions I’ve been asking myself recently. As I become aware of my patterns I can see the connection between how my beliefs about myself and those around me shape my actions. And I can trace it all back to when the idea of keeping a secret began for me in my early childhood. I find this fascinating, and actually very helpful to making changes in my present life. As these changes come about, the amount of secrets I hold is dwindling, as does the shame and guilt associated with them. This is what I am ultimately after – complete freedom from shame and guilt. The road is certainly not an easy one to travel. I find myself looking at every single part of my life, knowing that eventually every secret I have will be dissolved. This is frightening at best. But I have a feeling that in exchange for my secrets, I get to re-possess my inner power, empathy, self-respect, self-forgiveness, and ultimate freedom.

I’m not suggesting that everyone should start blabbing all their secrets to everyone they know immediately. And certainly when in the process of dissolving secrets, one needs to be very aware to include respect for others, non-judgmental actions and words, and compassion. Society has secrets, so do governments and politicians, family members and friends, co-workers and neighbors. Everyone has secrets. But people hold secrets for many reasons and some of these reasons are destructive to our beliefs and perceptions about who we are as a person. These are the kinds of secrets to dissolve.  Making the distinction between whether a secret is held out of love for another, or for protection of a person or country, versus holding a secret because you want to control another with fear and manipulation is vital. We all have the ability to choose for ourselves. Any form of hindrance of allowing someone to choose for themselves is manipulation. Ponder your motivation when considering whether or not to dissolve a secret. Revealing the secrets of others has tremendous moral and karmic ramifications. We need to remember that not all the secrets we know about are ours to tell. But I’m really talking about dissolving the secrets that you keep from others about yourself. When you hold a secret that causes you to act on self-destructive patterns of behavior, it’s time to do the work to dissolve it.

Doing the work of dissolving a secret that you hold about yourself, your beliefs, your perceptions and your life experiences involves taking an intensely honest look at yourself. You have to get past the fear of looking within and get clearly honest with yourself in order to reveal why you keep the secrets. Most times we’re not even aware of the ‘why’. The awareness comes to consciousness in layers because usually when we look honestly at the stuff that scares us, it’s too much to process at one time. So we can’t force this process, it has to happen naturally. Yet as we peel back the layers and look deeper, the process intensifies and creates its own inertia. This process can be powerfully motivating and life changing! And yes, the fear is present too. And yes, it feels sometimes like the end of your world, but what about approaching this end as a beginning? A birth of your authentic self, a start to knowing and understanding yourself on a level you’ve never experienced before. What about actually creating an atmosphere of honesty and integrity in which you will thrive instead of just survive?

Recently I re-opened a book that has been sitting on my bookshelf for many years. We all have those kinds of books, ones we intend to read cover to cover, absorbing every detail, letting it transform our lives, yet somehow we never get past the second chapter. Yeah, one of those books... Well, I was feeling like I needed some transformation. So I slid the book from its dusty shelf and opened to the first page where I found this familiar quote:

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.  If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium. It will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive.” ~ Martha Graham (to Agnes de Mille)

Recently I’ve been contemplating the concept of what it means to change. I’ve been thinking about change on a small scale yet I’ve been focusing on ultimately making big changes.  These are changes so big that from where I’m standing now, I can’t envision the outcome, yet I know it’s there waiting for me.  I wonder about what these changes will do to my sense of self and my emotional well being.  What good will they bring to my life?  Will they finally leave me feeling happy and satisfied?  And where do I even begin?

Needing to bounce some ideas off of a willing sounding board, I sought out a dear friend who has given me inspiration and motivation for action in the past.  We discussed these thoughts over dinner and although my friend did not express any specific opinions, our conversation left me in an emotional tizzy!  I felt like this was a conversation we’d had many times before yet even though months had past, I’d made no progress with the big changes I desired in my life.  I felt incredibly frustrated, even judged, and I wondered why my current life just doesn't seem to ever measure up.  I instinctively reacted to these feelings of inadequacy by wanting to change everything about my life - instantly.   I wanted my life to be grander, more meaningful, BIGGER, and I wanted it now!  My heart was screaming at me to push though the process faster while my logical side slammed on the brakes and spoke of fear and regret.  Frustrated, I tried to calm my thoughts and simply asked myself “What do I really want?  And WHY do I want it?”  I repeated these questions to myself until the answer came softly, and it said, “What’s the rush?  Slow down. Enjoy the process, learn from the small steps, rejoice in the details, and smile at the subtlety.  Your change is here now, in this present moment.  Just notice.”  And after sitting with this for awhile and absorbing the instructions, I understood that this is how real, positive, satisfying change happens. 

Attempting to live a life that isn’t in sync with our own natural time table leaves us unsatisfied, crazed and feeling empty.  Just as nature shows us in subtle ways how the earth is changing because of our choices and lifestyles, our emotions are subtle indicators of how sustainably we are living our lives.  Pushing ourselves beyond our emotional capacities on a regular basis and carelessly wasting our emotional resources wears us down.  We are left dried up, lifeless and numb, unable to express or even recognize our true selves.  Moving too fast and constantly being distracted by what comes next - what we “should” be doing, what we “have to” accomplish, who we are “expected” to be - is living in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction.  At the opposite end, getting ourselves wedged so tightly into a state of “comfort” that our desire for growth and progress completely disappears is living in a perpetual state of status quo.  Striving to find the balance in our emotional environment is essential for living an emotionally sustainable life. 

Recently I watched the film The Shadow Effect which was produced by Debbie Ford. I didn’t know much about the film or anything about Debbie Ford, but the theme of the film was what intrigued me. “The Shadow Effect explores the forces of dark and light that compete for attention within every human being.” www.theshadoweffect.com

I have always believed that suppressing and denying who we are and what we have experienced, particularly the dark side of ourselves, has a destructive effect on our entire lives. Elements such as fear, shame and guilt cause us to hate the dark part of ourselves on a deep level. And sometimes we may not even realize just how destructive this self-hatred has become. What I took away from The Shadow Effect is the concept that it is vital for each one of us to find the courage to explore and uncover the elements of our “shadow self.”  This may be the most terrifying challenge we will ever face, yet it is the only way for healing and progress to occur.

In my own life, I have attempted to become more aware of the elements of my shadow self for over twenty-five years. And I feel like I am just beginning to understand and accept who I really am. This process of self-discovery is continuous and brings me new enlightment every single day. My adventure will never be over because there is always something new to learn, a new fear to conquer, and a different part of myself to explore. Sure, the process is pretty scary at times, yet it also holds the gifts of freedom, excitement, joy, gratitude, and satisfaction with each new accomplishment.

After watching the film, I also relate to the concept of my shadow self on an entirely different level. I used to think of my dark side as something I needed to hide, be ashamed of, or get rid of at all costs (and the costs are very, very high!). Now I see that to understand and accept my shadow self is a part of who I am as a progressive spiritual being. I can never outrun my shadow, but I can shine a light into the darkness, face the elements of my shadow self, accept the lessons they bring, and forgive myself for all of the self-hatred. With each step, I experience feelings of freedom and absolute love, the effects of accepting another part of my shadow self. This is incredibly empowering and it motivates me to continue to move forward.

It’s the dead of winter. It’s a time of hibernation for nature, rest and renewal. As humans, we may just feel tired and cold for a few months. I know I’ve spent most of my time recently indoors, hibernating under blankets, and watching TV. Although this may seem like lazy behavior, I still find inspiration during this restful period. Two television programs provided me with a renewed perspective this past week - The Winter Olympics and Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “Excuses Begone” telecast on PBS.

So maybe we are not all Olympic athletes or doctors of psychology, yet we can learn from their examples. Imagine the power we can harness within ourselves by simply thinking positively right before we rest our conscious minds into the subconscious. Taking those five minutes to count blessings, affirm our strengths, congratulate ourselves for doing the best we could, and feeling hopeful for a fresh start tomorrow. Holding our dreams actively in thought and believing that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. Then, we get to dream of endless possibilities for a few solid hours, without restrictions or limitations, finding ourselves rested and refreshed in the morning.