“Would existence without personal friends be to you a blank? Then the time will come when you will be solitary, left without sympathy; but this seeming vacuum is already filled with divine Love. When this hour of development comes, even if you cling to a sense of personal joys, spiritual Love will force you to accept what best promotes your growth… “  - Science and Health by Mary Baker Eddy

I’ve read this quote for most of my life and it always caused a fair amount anxiety within me. The thought of ‘losing’ all of my friends and family and spending my life in a solitary place felt cold, insecure, and down right lonely. It wasn’t until recently that I experienced exactly what this quote describes. Within the vacuum of that solitary place, I found myself - my true identity - surrounded in Love.

Now you may be thinking… “oh geez, she’s gonna get all fluffy and spiritual on us here… “ but hear me out, just keep reading. Yes, I’ll admit that the experience of being solitary has many spiritual levels and I’ve tried to keep myself open to exploring them deeply. Yet now when I read this quote, it has an entirely different meaning to me. And I no longer feel anxious about the thought of losing my friends, my family, my possessions, nothing. Here’s why – with or without all of the external factors that want to define me, I am who I am, and my true identity IS Love.

On a conscious and unconscious level, I had been identifying myself with a certain religion since the time I knew what religion meant. My parents brought me up in a religious community that was deeply engrained in how we lived our lives on a daily basis. And as much as this community provided me with some sort of stability and comfort in my formative years, I always felt that the human part of the organization was very judgmental and hypocritical. This never sat well with me. So as I grew into my adult years, my independence allowed me to explore other beliefs, perspectives and views of my true spiritual identity. The religion of my childhood provided me with the ability to look beyond what the physical world is showing me and for this perspective I am truly grateful. Yet even though I was on my own, living my own life, some part of me I was still holding myself back with ideas of who I should be verse who I really am. I was still allowing the expectations of the human religious organization and my family to dictate how I should act, what I should say, and who I should be. All those ‘shoulds’ caused internal conflict and stress for me and most of the time I wasn’t even aware of it.

In the process of revisiting my past and looking for answers, I discovered that these old ideas of who I was no longer worked for who I am in this present moment. And so I made a conscious decision to start being who I really am without relying on other’s opinions and expectations. During this time, I experienced the loss of my relationships with my immediate family. I also found that I no longer related to most of the people from that religious organization. And it became very clear to me that I had a choice to make. I could either stay in these relationships and remain anxious, stagnant, and scared or I could let go of all of the mistaken elements of my identity and move forward into the mysterious unknown of my future without these assumed identity comforts. I chose to move forward. At first it was incredibly scary. I asked myself on a daily basis, “Who the heck am I? Who do I want to be? What parts of my identity do I want to carry with me and develop in my future?” I had no direct answers most of the time but what I did know was what I didn’t want. So I started from there. I took each idea of what I didn’t want and I re-framed it into an idea that I did want. By re-framing these ideas I began to uncover and discover parts of myself that I hadn’t been consciously aware of before. Slowly, the fear melted away. Slowly, I was able to see more clearly who I really am. And slowly, the peace of divine Love settled into my being. It is in this peace that I now reside. And you know what? The definitions, elements and details of my identity don’t matter so much to me. I don’t respond to what others expect of me anymore unless I know that it correlates with who I really am. There is a sense of empowerment in my ability to choose my identity traits, my life experiences, and even create a new definition of friends and family for myself. I am finding this process really enjoyable and fun because I can choose to be and do anything I want! I choose to take with me only those ideas and elements that reflect my true identity. I am no longer mis-taking myself. I am in the “hour of development” and I am “accepting what best promotes my growth.”

There is no loneliness here, if anything, I feel expanded and open to whomever I interact with in my every day. I feel connected to everyone around me, whether stranger or friend. And I possess an infinite amount of curiosity about and appreciation for the process of discovering more of my true self. Each relationship I experience in my life contains new joy, appreciation, respect and love. And it’s not because these people have changed, it is because I have allowed myself to let go of what doesn’t work for me and embrace who I truly am. Choice makes my life full and satisfying. We all have the power to choose.